My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
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[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
dictator is short for richard potato
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.