Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
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For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)