My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
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My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.