your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
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I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what