Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
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Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.