Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
![]()
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Sing it!
![]()
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
![]()
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
![]()
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing