Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
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Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected