Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
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Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive