My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
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me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*