I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
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I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.