Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

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Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?


Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.


Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots


Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁


Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!


Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will


The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.


The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that