Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

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[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.


For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.


I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.


TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.



Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.


[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy


My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.


my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh