I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
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I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.