What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
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Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
me when I see my crush
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.