Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
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no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure