(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
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I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
If I ignore life will it go away?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”