The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
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Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
#Caturday
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness