This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
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My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I drew y’all a little something.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I’ve had worse
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?