Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
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A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR