What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
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Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd