Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
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I think something went wrong here?!🤔
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
#NeverForget
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997