Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
🤣😂🤣
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country