*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
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When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”