How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
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Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
“and how does that make you feel?”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome