Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
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The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
✌🏽
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
💻🤡
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw