I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
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If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”