*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
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Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Mornin. * use accordingly
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
This is hilarious….
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?