Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
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Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
A dad and his duck
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.