Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
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David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide