“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
You Might Also Like
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.