If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
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Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.