Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
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wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
B
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”