Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
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ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
haha same
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again