When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
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#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I am all good here, 馃槀馃槈
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.