the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
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I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this