Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
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them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know