You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
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Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
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Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.