You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
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No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish