Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”