By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
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I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management