Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
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I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
In banana years, I am bread.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.