wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
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Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I’m giving up ice.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!