I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
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If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
lol
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”