*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
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[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Not recommended for beginners.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.