Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
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There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.