me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
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*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Everyone’s family
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu