“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
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Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
😂😂
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.