Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
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Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.