Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
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(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Birds & Planes.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
can’t talk my ride’s here
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.