(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
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[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.