DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
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BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod