“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
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if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Jogging has never helped my memory.