There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

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H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?


God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.


You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices


Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.


[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!


Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….


If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.


Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time


[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.


Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough