There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
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[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
True.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Doctors texting each other.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
the answer was staring at me all along
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa