@DanglesTV2

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

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@3sunzzz

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

@dave_cactus

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

@TheBoydP

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

@PFitzpa

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

@ArfMeasures

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

@djdarrellripley

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

@bombscribe

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

@PJTLynch

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

@UncleDuke1969

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

@3sunzzz

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough